Thursday, November 02, 2006


Hey troops,

Had to do this report to explain to my landlord why Im
going to be short on rent this month. I was robbed
blind by Wolfgang Puck.

Or whoever is cooking over there.

But I also have a bone to pick with whoever invented
the "tasting menu". What is the point of a nine course
tasting if, at the end of the meal, you find yourself
starved and staring at a giant ass bill?

It was a Friday night that made me decide to go to the
fancy pants Spago. I was just about to log off from
the security desk at my work when these two old ladies
come down the elevator talking about how they just had
teh best meals of their lives at Spago. Now nomally I
would never trust two old gringo ladies about food,
but these two were no ballerinas. They were probably
pushing 180 at at 5'2" - thats no joke. So asked them
if it was worth it on $300 week salary. One of the
ladies says "oh dear, after what your people have been
through, you treat yourself!" I have no idea how she
knew that both my brothers had gone through the county
the weekend before but I figured why not?

So Saturday night rolls around and guess what? None of
my dresses fit!
I guess its been awhile and all those tito's taco
trips are cathcing up to my waist line I guess. So I
opt for jeans and a cute black top I picked up at
Strawberrys and headed out the door.

1st problem of the night was the valet that double
started my car. I got a little heated and swung my
purse and was then told I couldnt park in their valet
lot so I had to find street parking. Annoying.

I walked in and was seated not totally in the kitchen
but close enough to feel the dishwashers curse about
the cheap soap Wolfgang buys. That was actually kind
of the highlight of the night.

Now onto the meal. I asked the waiter if the tasting
menu was tthe way to go and he said yes. Now Im a big
girl and a big eater. I didnt tell the cute little
Matt Damon that but I figured he wouldve guessed. I
guessed wrong, he mustve been dating anorexics his
whole life.

1st course was literally a speck on a plate. Foie gras
mousse and a grilled fig. Except the fig was really
just a slice of a fig. The mousse was the size of my
pink. When I had my home girl's baby shower, my cousin
and alone mustve gone through a half pound of pate.
Spago's was just a joke.

2nd course was my favorite; a pot de creme they called
it. It was small as hell but the best oyster I have
ever had. Then I found out it wasnt oyster it was "sea
urchin" or a sea snail(what Matt Damon waiter called
it). That was such a disgusting revelation I thought I
was going barf all over that 5'10" of prime manhood
but I sucked it up if I left now I would be out like
$50 just for the two courses so I stayed.

3rd course was a sea scallop in a star anise/red curry
reduction. This dish was good but the red curry was
too overpering and the there was only one friggin
scallop. One. Who ever eats ONE scallop?

4th course was an open faced ravioli with some crab
meat inside. The pasta was really two ribbons draped
over a dime bag of crab meat. It was like the bottom
of a ceviche glass. With an egg noodle. And there was
no marinara sauce. How anyone can eat pasta with
anything expect a tomato based sauce is beyond me.

5th course was a seared breast of squab and the leg in
a confit. The leg was good, rich and moist like my
Abuelo's pollo con arroz but the breast was inedible.
Squab is like chicken and this was cooked rare like a
steak. BARFORAMA. Also, this like all the other
courses gets like a teaspoon of sauce which to me is
so stupid. Sauce is what gives food flavor and there
should always be plenty of it.

The 6th course was wagyu beef which is Japanese beef.
This stuff was so rare that I had to send it back. It
came back still very rare but at least it wasnt cold
in the middle. This dish looked like it was the "main
course" because of its size but it turns out the beef
was on a bed of muchrooms, shitakes and chanterelles.
There was almost no sauce on this course so I asked
for a steak sauce and was told that they dont serve
any. How a restaurant does not have A1 is frankly,
impossible. I worked at a Marie Callenders for years
and know that people love A1.

The 7th course was sampling of cheeses. I know most of
you will cringe but I really don't care for stinky
cheeses. I like cheddar and thats about it. When cutey
Matt Damon picked up my plate it was almost entirely

The 8th course was an apple strudel. It was tasty but
small as hell. Yet again Spago continued to tease my
appetite. And after two courses of raw meat and
cheese, I was dying for some satisfaction.

The 9th course was a vanilla bean ice cream that was
good but wouldve been better if it was served on top
of the strudel.

I wish I could get a few minutes alone with Wolfgang
for notes AND that hunky waiter ;-)! Some of the food
was good, some just plain bad but it was all too small
for me. And $200+ later I just wasnt satisfied. I did
the wine pairings but they were more like gargles. Ive
gotten more drunk at the Dentists office! I guess
Spagos is not for me but then who is it for? Just
another LA gringo rip off. And in case you were
wondering I went to Jack for a bacon ultimate - now
THAT was worth the money.


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